THE ACUTE PHASE
Themes: Shock, pain, anger, and a sense of powerlessness.
Tools: Professional help, the black box, letting truth speak for itself, indirect and direct confrontations, vengeful visualisations, prayer, and change of scenery.
First Things First: Getting Professional Help
Sharing my secret with a lawyer was an essential first step for me. It was also a very safe choice. The revealing of a secret does bring relief, but it’s important to be careful who you share it with. Many doctors are hesitant about seeking help from other doctors when they are hit by a crisis, out of fear of stigma, potential licencing problems, and losing their job. Those fears are very real, and it may be wise to start with a professional such as a lawyer or psychologist, since they are bound by confidentiality and none of the information they collect goes on record in your medical journal. The clear boundaries they provide create a safe space where you can be in control of the healing process, and can thus go about it at your own speed, and from angles that suit you. They have a better sense than you and your loved ones of the possible legal and personal repercussions of going public with the whole thing, and may also be able to refer you to other specialists for help before deciding on your next move. The next professional I spoke to was a psychologist, and that made all the difference. Support is everything – a driving force that gives you hope and energy. Later you may choose to tell one or more people from your innermost circle, but make sure that they know you very well, are trustworthy, likely to understand and able to keep their mouth shut. Coping with a secret is bad enough – dealing with rumours and judgmental comments can make it worse. This brings us to a crucial tool in the trauma survival kit:
The Black Box
After telling the lawyer about my secret I locked it inside a black box in my soul, meaning I suppressed the memory of it and did not share it with anybody else until I started having sessions with the occupational psychologist. At the time, I had to store away the pain so that I could safely get on with the rest of my life. The negative thoughts, emotions, and sensations associated with a nasty secret can be so strong that you risk getting overwhelmed if they’re not securely contained until you’re ready to process the trauma. In 2018, Lady Gaga, who is a sexual assault survivor, summed up the core function of the black box quite nicely in an interview with Stephen Colbert on The Late Night Show in America:
‘If someone is assaulted or experiences a trauma there is [...] scientific proof – it’s biology – that people change. The brain changes. And literally what it does is that it takes the trauma and puts it in a box and files it away and shuts it, so that we can survive the pain.’
Lady Gaga
Right on, sister! Thank you for that marvellous description. There are other bonuses to the black box. Filing the secret away stops it from spilling over and ruining what’s left of your so-called ‘normal life,’ and it prevents your enemies from getting angry and seeking revenge – further attacks are the last thing you need when you are down. A brief period of suppression or denial can also provide a necessary break to recharge your batteries; an overload of pain can crush anybody. Once you are ready to open the box to process the pain, you have to do it carefully, and under the right circumstances. Think of it like a nuclear reactor. If you let out all the contents at once without regards to timing, location and the people around you it might cause irreversible radiation damage to individuals who were involuntarily or even unknowingly involved in the drama. Close the door tightly in between the sessions for that same reason. Pick your confidants with care and make them promise not to tell anyone until you are ready to tell the world. And that brings us to a very important principle:
Let Truth Speak For Itself
The truth is the key to your black box. Let it speak for itself when you are ready to open up and share your secret. This is your strongest weapon. There is no need to exaggerate, and you should not skip stuff, either. Just share what happened and the effect it had on you, without excuses or accusations. That alone will heal you greatly. Remember that context is everything: ask yourself if what you have to say is not only true, but kind, useful and timely as well. Is it more likely to bring people together than divide them? My biggest lesson in relation to The Crash was not actually about what I said, but when and how I said it. And how should you face the ones that hurt you? Both indirect and direct confrontations worked for me, depending on the circumstances:
Indirect Confrontations
Holding up a mirror that reveals harassment, lies, and betrayal can be highly effective – especially when the people you are dealing with are in denial or not open to reason or dialogue. You can, for example, do this by showing them emails or text messages that back up your story, or by sending letters where you explain the effect of their actions on you. You can then let them sleep on it until they have come to their senses. If nothing else, it helps restore your self-respect and sense of justice.
Direct Confrontations
Face-to-face meetings with the people who hurt you where you tell them about your experience can be liberating and self-affirming. Looking them directly in the eye is a particularly powerful way of letting truth speak for itself. Your physical presence lets them sense how you feel and the effect of their behaviour on you, which constitutes half the healing process, if you ask me. Everybody wants to be seen, heard and acknowledged for who they are. We also yearn to be understood. Sharing your side of things is crucial in that respect. You mustn’t do this prematurely, though, and the setting has to be right. You need to be able to curb your anger, because otherwise you risk making matters worse by saying or doing things you might regret in a more sober moment. Don’t even think about a direct confrontation if you’re still fuming. You need to be fairly confident that the other person won’t harm you, either. If you choose to go ahead, then meeting on neutral ground (rather than in either persons’s home or private office) is a really good idea because it helps even out the power dynamics. Preparing what you want to say in writing beforehand is useful as well. In fact, I recommend writing down at least the essence of what you want to say before direct confrontations of this kind, if not the whole thing. That way you can pick your words with care, present your story in a coherent fashion and be reasonably sure your emotions won’t overcome you when it comes to it. I like to let at least two (and preferably three) trusted friends read my words over before conveying important messages of this kind. It gets me out of my head, and brings me down to earth and into my heart, where my focus should be.
Vengeful Visualisations
Sometimes, when I was boiling over with anger I visualised doing the most grotesque things to my colleagues, like freezing Hades’ balls off and burning Medusa at the stake. Public flogging was a favourite theme as well, together with stabbing, kicking and giving angry speeches that humiliated my opponents in front of large crowds. This brought me much joy, and released a lot of aggressive energy out of my system. It also helped restore my self-esteem and sense of justice. Lord knows I needed it. It is imperative, however, to limit the fantasies in time so that they do not gain too much momentum and start dominating your thoughts. It’s obviously important not to even consider carrying out any of this stuff. But what you can do is tell yourself: ‘For the next 30 minutes I am going to think whatever ugly thoughts I want about this and that person’ – and then leave it at that. You can also draw pictures of vengeful scenes and then burn them afterwards in a safe setting. Very satisfying; trust me. It’s like firing bullets at a shooting range without the risk of killing anybody. I don’t think freezing Hades’ balls off or burning Medusa at the stake would have brought me much fortune in real life, but fantasising about it from time to time sure helped.
Prayer
Those who share my belief in a higher power probably already know why prayer was imperative for my recovery. Trusting that there is someone or something out there that listens, loves me the way I am, and wants what’s best for me at all times calms my anxiety like few other things can. It brings a precious feeling of protection and hope that is hard to describe. I’m pretty sure I would ultimately have killed myself if it weren’t for that eternal sense of support I got from an external benevolent force. Actively reaching out on a daily basis to tap into love from such a nurturing fountain got me through many a hard day and night.
Changes of Scenery
A change of location can re-charge your system, and the distance often provides a new perspective. Enjoy the getaway, but make sure you don’t stay away for too long or run off for good. Wherever you go, there you are – and your past follows you regardless. Remember that a break is good, but an escape is impossible. Fuel up and then face the music.