early recovery
Themes: Depression, low self-esteem, lack of trust, and suicidal thoughts.
Tools: A good set of daily routines, higher power box, thinking ‘what would a wise person say or do?’, diary, unsent and sent letters, music, outdoor activity, physical discharge when feeling angry, being still when feeling sad, mentor(s), and, if need be, medication.
Daily Routine - My Miracle Formula
Having a good set of routines was the alpha and omega for me during this most gruelling phase of my recovery. We are creatures of habit. Routine kept me going, and helped me to preserve my resources and avoid collapse. It provided grounding and a safe frame within which I could exist. Not having to think too much in terms of what I would do tomorrow saved me energy, and I needed all the extra I could get because my system was so busy coping with the secret. I made a list of things to do on a daily basis to ensure my physical and mental health, and prioritised them from the top down. It worked so well for me that I call it my ‘Miracle Formula,’ and I still stick with it to this day. It has vastly improved my quality of life and overall sense of wellbeing. After reading this book, if you at least seek professional help and adhere to the list below in times of crisis, then I will die a happy woman.
1. Good sleep
2. Good food
3. Go out in daylight
4. Talk to at least two friends or family members every day
5. Spiritual practice
6. Exercise/nap/massage
Higher Power Box
A therapist once told me to jot down every problem and the names of persons I felt powerless towards on separate pieces of paper, fold them, and put them in a box with a lid on it. This was now ‘God’s box’ and I should leave it to my higher power to take care of whatever was in it. I could have a peek every now and then to check how God was doing with His task list, of course, and as soon as a person no longer gave me trouble or a problem was solved, I could remove it from the box. In the meantime I should keep my focus on the things I knew I could handle on my own. This simple trick works surprisingly well for me. There is something magical about physically putting difficult stuff away like that. It gets the things you cannot control out of your system, separates you from your problems, and lessens their power over you. It relives you of excessive worry and frees up a lot of energy. It works kind of like the black box, but without the pressure and sense of confinement, because there is no secrecy, denial, or suppression going on. You are simply setting your brain and ego some boundaries by formally acknowledging that there are things out there that you cannot control, and opening up to the possibility of proper solutions presenting themselves in due time. Oh, the joy of being able to discard the notes one by one! Those of you who don’t believe in a higher power could try creating a box for ‘the universe’ instead, leaving it up to the natural order of things to manage seemingly insurmountable problems for you, a bit like a river finding its way down a hill whether you try to stop it or not. The solution is out there somewhere, and often the best thing we can do is simply to get out of our own way.
What Would a Wise Person Say or Do?
Imagining what a wise person such as Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad or the human you most respect would say or do if they were in your position can take you out of your narrow frame of mind, place things in a wider perspective, and promote compassion. It can help you to be the best version of yourself and to speak and act out of love. Try it sometime.
Diary
Keeping a journal helps you to remain truthful, face reality, and process the past. It unloads your system by transferring toxic thoughts and feelings out of your head and heart onto a piece of paper, and crystallises the lessons you are learning. Naming your emotions lessens their power over you and helps you develop detachment, while realising where they stem from helps you develop compassion. By giving yourself permission to feel and think ‘all the wrong things’ you calm your system, as if you were embracing yourself. A diary is like a dear friend that never criticises you or talks back.
Unsent Letters
Writing unsent letters to those you have unfinished business with is cathartic when it comes to getting rid of the most intense pain and sense of shame. The only purpose is to empty your system, so don’t feel guilty about the content. Spit out all the foul words you can think of and describe vindictive splatter scenes in detail, if that’s what you need. Be as sentimental, immature, didactic and pathetic as you like. Think of the content like cancerous tumours you are excising for an excellent reason, and congratulate yourself afterwards. Reading the letter aloud to one of your confidants can be even more therapeutic (if you think they can bear it). This tool was particularly useful to me while my secret was still inside my black box. It helped me function better in daily life, plain and simple. Words of warning: never, ever compose unsent letters as email drafts that you may be tempted to send off on a bad day or when you are drunk! Write them on a piece of paper that you hide or get rid of when you are done, or as documents on a computer that only you have access to. This stuff is not intended to go public at all.
Sent Letters
Sending letters to those who mistreated you is highly effective when it comes to returning the shame. Consider this as an alternative to reconciliation meetings, if either you or the other person are not willing or able to meet. If the recipient chooses not to respond the sound of silence becomes his or hers to enjoy from then on, for as long as they like. You have to be careful with the wording, and I recommend letting at least two or three trusted individuals read the text over before you post the letter. Blame is not useful – telling the truth will suffice. That means pinpointing the effect of their actions on your thoughts, feelings, and overall life. You might want to finish by requesting they do or don’t do certain things from now on, but don’t expect wonders or even a reply. Send the letter off and let go of the outcome. That is therapeutic in itself. Remember that the content is meant to reach and move the other person, so choose your words with care. Sent letters are quite the opposite of unsent letters in that regard.
Music
Some say that music is the language of the soul, others that it is medicine for the soul. I agree with both. I live for and through music, and it represents the easiest way for me to connect with my higher power. Music can directly transform your emotions and outlook on life, without saying a single word. It doesn’t judge or require anything other than that you listen and let it in. It bypasses the critical filters of the mind, directly enters the heart and heals the wounds without further ado. It is like a loyal friend who’s always there for you, no matter what. An outside source of love that mends and hands out everyday miracles on command. Pure magic. Listen and let it heal you.
Outdoor Activity
Fishing, hiking, and mountain climbing distracted me from my trouble, cleared my head and kept me in the present moment during my recovery years. The exercise and fresh air energised me during the day and improved my sleep at night. The beauty of the landscape also had a direct healing effect on me. Physical inactivity makes your energies stagnate and amplifies any pain and pessimism you may be grappling with, so stay active. Hobbies in general magnify good feelings – that is why we have them. If you do not have an outdoor activity or hobby that you enjoy already, then now would be a good time to get one.
Mentor Or a Support Colleague
I cannot emphasise enough the importance of seeking moral, non-professional help from trusted colleagues when hard times hit at work. People in the same field as you understand like few others can, they can aid in choosing the appropriate course of action in any given situation, and help you withstand the storm. The back-up they offer can help you step into your power, re-orient yourself and move on with your life. In the case of doctors and psychologists, then they are bound by confidentiality as well, which helps a lot. I may sound bitter towards other doctors in the light of my story, but fortunately I have also come across many a kind colleague who was willing and able to help. Connecting with them was life-affirming, and I can only recommend you do the same.
Medication
Anti-depressants were literally lifesaving during my suicidal period. They dragged me out of my depression, stabilised my mood, reduced my anxiety, and improved my sleep to a degree that made everyday life much more manageable. If you feel so bad that you struggle just to get through the days and your thoughts have become so dark that you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, then medication may be a good idea. I’m not recommending anti-depressants per se; the main problem can vary from person to person, and it can also change over time (depression/anxiety/insomnia and so on). Different types of drugs may be appropriate in each case. Talk to your doctor about what bothers you most, the side-effects the drugs can have, and then take it from there.