stuff to avoid
Things that did not help at any time during my recovery: Leaks from the black box, keeping the secret locked up for too long at a time, premature confrontations, meditating or staying in bed while feeling anxious, alcohol, overworking, going to work while feeling sick, self-accusations, keeping all my eggs in one basket, using email for sensitive information, trashing people or fighting battles on social media.
Leaks From The Black Box
I experienced a few leaks from my black box, and they totally freaked me out. Remember that the contents are radioactive, so spilling even small amounts can cause great harm to you and others. Leaks can happen in different ways:
By sharing your secret too soon, before you are ready.
By sharing it with somebody who does not realise the importance of keeping their mouth shut, meaning exposure is taken out of your hands, possibly generating rumours. That never helps.
Not remembering who you shared your secret with and/or how much you told each and every one, causing you to ceaselessly wonder about it, and later having to inquire about who knows what.
The above scenarios create insecurity, perpetuate anxiety, and can lead to catastrophic thinking. Leaks cause you to lose control over the recovery process, either because you are not ready for exposure or because other people’s (often limited and skewed) knowledge and opinions about what happened become a factor in the healing equation. That is really, really bad. It’s like getting drunk and stripping off all your clothes off at a party, then not being able to find them again once you sober up. Avoid getting yourself into trouble like that. Stick to sharing your secret with a few trusted individuals in the beginning and give them all the same, accurate version of your story. Then make sure the door to your black box is tightly sealed, enabling you to safely manage the speed and course of your own recovery.
Keeping The Secret Locked Up For Too Long at a Time
You have to let the beast out regularly, meaning you should talk about it with those you trust to lessen the tension it generates in your system. Don’t let too much time go by in between the sessions. Otherwise the monster beats against the door until it finally begins to rot and destroy you from the inside. Both processes are hard to handle and downright dangerous to your health. I kept my secret hidden for a whole year before telling anybody, during which time I felt terrible and became the shadow of my former self. Then I told the lawyer and had a few sessions with a psychologist, which helped tremendously. Afterwards I locked it up again for months on end, which caused my health to seriously deteriorate. Not recommended. Walk the dog regularly, and clean up its mess as you go.
Premature Confrontations
Confrontations, whether direct or indirect, must not come too early, meaning while you are still angry and/or unprepared. You risk making things worse, like I did with my argument with Medusa. The writing I pasted on my wall was essential to prevent this. Therapy helps too.
Meditating Or Staying In Bed While Feeling Anxious
Being alone with my thoughts while they are spinning out of control and painting the devil on the wall has never served me well. Sitting still or lying down makes it worse, so I get up and get in touch with other people. And I say my prayers. If I cannot reach anyone, I find something relatively easy to do and listen to the radio, audiobook or a podcast instead. Otherwise, my mind just drags me down and the physical discomfort worsens.
Alcohol
I never drank much alcohol, but during the early recovery phase my consumption actually increased from four units/week to up to about eight units/week, which is a lot for me. I was in too much pain and anxiety to meditate, so I sometimes used alcohol to numb myself instead. Do you think it helped? -No, not one bit. It worsened my depression and stalled my recovery, which was the last thing I needed. Once this became clear to me I cut down again, and the healing process picked up right away. This increase in alcohol consumption was the last thing I wanted to write about because I was so ashamed of it, but I also know that makes it all the more important to share. The truth sets us free while secrets make us sick – and so does alcohol. Many doctors drink on a daily basis, and even more take heavily to the bottle when times are hard. Personally I can’t recommend it. I once got really drunk during late recovery. I wasn’t planning to – it just kind of happened at a dinner party at a friend’s house – and it apparently thawed up a whole iceberg in my heart. I cried hysterically for a couple of hours after coming home, plagued a dear friend with repeated phone calls in the middle of the night and made a complete ass out of myself. Please don’t quote me on that one...
Overworking
Too much work inhibits the ‘rest and digest’ progress. It’s a way of numbing the pain, like drinking alcohol, and it wears you down when you least need it. The average number of working hours for doctors varies greatly between specialties and countries so a fixed ‘norm’ does not exist, but let me put it this way; if you’re not getting enough sleep and have no time at all to see your family and friends because of work, then you are probably putting in too many hours. The longer you do that, the slower you recover, so think twice before starting new projects or taking that extra shift.
Going To Work While Feeling Sick
Many doctors show up sick on the job because they don’t want to appear weak, piss off their colleagues, disappoint the patients or lose money, but usually this does not help anybody. We make ourselves sicker, spread whatever infection we may have, risk maltreating our patients and stall our own recovery. Don’t do it.
Self-Accusations
They never help. Don’t indulge in them. They only bring you further down than you already are. You don’t need that. We all make mistakes. That is what, by definition, makes us human. Try forgiving yourself instead. It’s hard, I know, but it can be done.
Keeping All Your Eggs In One Basket
I relied too heavily on Hades, Medusa, Hermes, and the Sphinx for company, support and guidance, and had to lose all of them in one go in order to realise the folly of that arrangement. Make sure you spread the ones you love, trust, and rely on across different areas of your life. Make separate baskets for family members, friends, colleagues, therapists, doctors, and the like, and try to keep more than one person in each basket. That way, losing a few every now and then – or even a whole basket at once – does not sink your ship.
Using Email For Sensitive Information
My colleagues and I often used email for sensitive or personal information in the years leading up to The Crash. I became more cautious about this after I started working with the lawyer during the acute phase. An email is like an open postcard – everybody who really wants to can read along. That’s not to mention how easy it is to spread information that way; one click on the ‘forward’ button and your entire story could end up on display across the screens of everybody you ever worked with – and then some. The internet never forgets. Do you seriously want Big Brother to know all the gory details? Lord knows how many people may have read the ‘mea culpa’ email where I took all the blame, just to give you an example. It could be just the Senior Quartet, or perhaps many more. I have no idea, and it sucks. Before hitting the ‘send’ button think: ‘Am I comfortable with everybody knowing about this, forever?’ If not, use other methods. Telephone calls, old-fashioned paper letters, and meeting with people in person still works just fine. While sharing the contents of a call, meeting or a letter with others is technically possible it is more laborious than forwarding an email, making the material less likely to go viral in an instant.
Trashing People Or Fighting Battles On Social Media
Fortunately Hades, Medusa, Hermes, the Sphinx, and I did not exchange comments or fight any of our battles on social media. Trashing people on the internet is both heartless and tasteless, and the act itself says more about the author than the target. The PhD student who took over my project and a couple of his colleagues could not resist posting ugly stuff about me on the PhD student’s social media profile shortly before his PhD defence. It went something like this:
Friend 1 wondered how to keep the horrid volcano out of the auditorium?
– Like, ha ha!
Friend 2 thought the volcano was pretty scary indeed...
The PhD student confirmed to them that yes, I was just about the most irritating and obnoxious person there had ever been.
– Like, like!
These comments form part of a public post that can be seen by everybody. Written by doctors, about another doctor. Imagine what it felt like for me to read them. Sure, I understand them having a negative perception of me since they did not know what had been going on behind closed doors before I resigned – all they could see was me climbing the walls – but they still had no business posting derogatory comments like that for all to see. It was hurtful and damaging, but ultimately it diminishes them more than me. Careless remarks that may sound innocent in private can wreak havoc online, and the damage they do can be long-lasting. Again – the internet never forgets, and neither do the people that you write about. Before posting stuff like that, ask yourself whether you would like them to post something similar about you? Some things are better left unsaid, and sometimes silence is the right response.