What questions, and why are they here?
The thing that originally inspired me to write The Sound of Silence was to compile lists of ‘warning signs’ and ‘lessons learned’ in relation to my story, in order to help other victims realise what is happening to them, pull out of a harmful situation faster and with greater ease than I did, and get well sooner. I later created questions to help people reflect upon abuse in the workplace in a wider context, and placed them together with warning signs and lessons learned at the end of some of the chapters in the 1st edition of the book. When preparing the 2nd edition I decided to move the questions online in stead - both to save space in the book, and to make the questions available to the public at large. While many of them are presented in the context of my story, then the issues they address are universal when it comes to abuse in the workplace. I’ve marked the more general questions with italics in the list below. Perhaps som of them they ring a bell with you?
I. the grooming
First Encounter: Was there anything suspicious about Hades’ manner of being or the things he said?
Second Encounter: Have you ever been touched in a bizarre way by your boss? Did you do something about it, or just dismiss it? Have you ever said yes to something that seemed too good to be true?
Enthusiasm and Interest: Why do you think Hades showed unusual interest in me? Did he display any signs of illness? Have you ever taken on too heavy a job and ignored the costs? If yes, then why?
Flirting: Was it okay for Hades to flirt with me? Why did he have trouble facing reality? What would you have done about the weird hug? Did I make any mistakes in this chapter?
II. The affair
Increasing Intimacy: Was it okay for Hades to say that he loved me? Did I react appropriately? What kind of characteristics and/or outer circumstances make people easy targets for abuse?
Discomfort: Have you ever operated from hidden motives? If yes, then why? How could I have prevented getting stuck in Hades’ net?
Sexual Approach: What is the purpose of sexual harassment? Do all victims of sexual harassment have a realistic option of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries towards the harasser? Does Hades display any psychopathic traits or signs of corruption?
III. the assaults
First Assault: Have you ever granted another human being godlike status? If yes, then why? What can you do when a superior shows signs of arousal around you? Under which circumstances are you likely to act counter to your moral standards or will?
Busted: What might have driven Hades to have an affair with another student?
Second Assault: Have your sexual boundaries ever been repeatedly violated? If yes, then what was your a) emotional reaction and b) physical reaction? Did you say or do something?
Boundaries: Why did Hades react to my signing an email with ‘Regards’ in stead of ‘Loving Regards’? Why did he avoid answering a question about his own boundaries? Why did he want to cover up what had happened?
IV. the aftermath
U-turns: Why did Hades stop supporting me? How did he demonstrate his power over me? What can you do if you feel like you’re being used and are beginning to lose hope?
Downward Spiral: What are typical signs of being used on the job? What can you do about it? Who signals what kind of behaviour is acceptable in a group? Why did Hades distance himself from me? Why did Medusa, Hermes, and the Sphinx suddenly turn against me? Have you ever experienced something similar? What kind of behaviour might you notice in a co-worker that is being abused on the job without your knowledge?
Into the Abyss: What should you avoid in conflict situations? What can you do when you are invited to a suspicious, informal meeting with your boss at short notice?
Reaching Out: What should have clued me into the fact that I was in need of unbiased, external help?
Revolt: Why did the Sphinx jump the fence? Have you ever done the same? If yes, then did it help? Have you ever been in such a poor state due to abuse on the job that your friends commented on it?
Scapegoats: Have you ever taken part in secret meetings behind somebody’s back? If yes, then why? Have you ever ignored your core values in a conflict situation?
Keeping Up Appearances: What creates a lack of trust within a workplace? Have you ever been on either side of overpowering tactics? If yes, then how did it make you feel? When do superiors use empty promises to shut subordinates up? When are meeting minutes important? Have you ever confronted a colleague with something being wrong based on your gut feeling alone?
Songbird in a Cage: Is it ever okay to disregard another person’s ‘no’, or the contents of a serious message?
Final Throws: How did Hades diminish me during the events of this chapter? What was the purpose of that?
The Terminator: What are some typical signs of being unable to cope?
V. the betrayal
Disheartening Tactics: What do powerful, abusive individuals often do when they’ve messed up? Why did the Sphinx promise a six-month trial period, then try to fire me after only two months? Why was it done on short notice and through a secretary? What did the calm before the storm look like? Did I pick the right time for a holiday? What should you consider before reaching a major milestone at work? What are the signals your body sends you when you are stressed out? Do you listen to them?
Correspondence: Why was the Sphinx unsure about having sufficient grounds for firing me? Were those concerns legitimate?
Preparative Purging: What might secrecy and withdrawal in an otherwise open person point to? What can you do to help if a friend or colleague exhibits such behaviour?
Resignation Meeting: Is there anything you can do to facilitate the spotting of ‘invisible’ perpetrators of abuse in the workplace? Have you ever acted weirdly because of a secret you were trying to hide? What can you do to make difficult meetings with superiors easier for yourself?
Backstabbing: Have you ever been deliberately shut out of important communications on the job? Have your work-related achievements ever been diminished or ignored by your superiors? If yes, then why do you think they did it? How did it affect your mood, motivation, and career?
Breakaway: Have you ever gone into denial due to a crisis at work? If yes, then did it help? What are the signs of abuse of power in this chapter?
Unusual Decision: Why was Medusa reluctant to elaborate on her ‘unusual decision’ in writing? Why did she postpone that discussion until the next meeting? Why didn’t she change her stance when the President of SONO disagreed?
Final Encounter: Why did Hades respond inappropriately to the gravity of our final encounter? Have you ever had trouble fathoming and facing abuse that was disguised as ‘love’? Have you ever used such tactics on other people yourself? When should you ask your boss to write a letter of reference for you, and when should you write it yourself and/or ask a friend to help you?
Naming the Injustices: What would you have done about the mutual distrust within the working group? The Sphinx, Hermes, and Medusa were upset when I revealed my secret, but did not apologise for judging me or trying to fire me on unfair grounds. They did not offer to help me, either. Why might that be? The Sphinx seemed to have a bad conscience – do you consider that to be a good or a bad sign? Why was Medusa unable to place her own bullying in a wider context? Have you ever worked with a harasser? If yes, then what was it like? Were you surprised to hear that more people had complained about Hades?
The Emperor’s New Clothes: Why did the Senior Quartet ignore my contribution to and affiliation with the study in public? Have you ever experienced something similar? Was it wise of me to confront the Sphinx with that right away, or should I have waited? Why did my former colleagues not respond when I pointed out the harmful consequences of their actions?
Soul Murder: Have you ever been ambushed in the way I was by the two lawyers? Could I have done something to protect myself during that meeting? Why did the lawyers use generalisations when explaining their strategy? Why did the Sphinx rephrase a negative message for getting rid of me as positive? Would you have filed an official complaint of sexual harassment if you’d been in my shoes?
Moving Abroad: Do you think the junior section and board of SONO reached a fair conclusion? And what do you make of my reply to them?